He began by saying, “There’s a naughty boy at school. He’s bigger than me and older than me.”

“Why is he naughty?” I asked.

“Well, he doesn’t let me do things.”

“Like what?”

“He stops me from running or going places.”

Being a former school teacher for 16 years, my stomach clenched as I knew that what he was descri bing was in fact a Bully.

I dreaded the time when I would begin to hear stories like this, because often we as parents can feel nervous to send our children into the world where we know they are going to get hurt sometimes. I have been able to protect him thus far, build up his sense of self and even give him words to use when he doesn’t like something, but that was with kids his own age. Now he is in the BIG world, and he’s going to have to learn how to cope with things.

This is especially difficult for me since as a former teacher I was vigilant about keeping bullying out of my classroom. If anything even smelled of the “B” word, I dealt with it head on, immediately. No one was ever unclear as to what my expectations were for behaviour and kindness in my classroom.

The problem now is that my son is not guaranteed to be in a classroom with a teacher who is like me. This is quite unsettling, however, knowing what I do about children and self- esteem, I know there are definitely things I can do at home and at the school to empower my son, and this is what I’m going to share with you in this article series.

This week I’m going to help you understand what a bully actually is and who they are. This will help you understand if your child is experiencing a normal disagreement or fight or if it is in fact bullying. It’s important to distinguish between the two because you handle them very differently.

A Bully is someone who:

- gets pleasure from their victim’s pain (example: “I’m glad he’s crying, irritated or upset right now”)

- their actions are always on purpose

- their actions are always intended to cause harm (emotional or physical)

- there is always an imbalance of power, stature or age

- they have a sense of entitlement (we’ ll talk about where this comes from in Part 2 of this series)

Here are two scenarios. One is of a bully and one is not. See if you can differentiate the two.

Scenario 1:
Johnny, a boy aged 7, takes a disliking to a smaller boy. He’s jealous of him, so he wants to make himself feel better. He notices the smaller boy running around laughing and smiling on the playground. Johnny walks over to the small boy and stands in front him, while looking down. Then he says, “You can’t play here”. He notices that the smaller boy looks scared and immediately feels happy inside. He begins to think of other ways he can make this boy scared.

Scenario 2:
Susie is asked by her teacher to pick 3 people to be in her group. Usually she would pick her good friend Jenny, but Jenny wasn’t pa ying attention to her last recess so she picks other people instead. She sees that Jenny is confused. In fact Jenny actually mouths the words, “Why didn’t you pick me?” Susie turns away and pretends she doesn’t see Jenny.

Can you choose the Bully? Is it Johnny or Susie? If you chose Johnny, you are correct.

What Susie did is not kind, but you can see that it’s probably an isolated incident because she felt hurt that day. It’ll take a bit of coaxing from Jenny, but you can see that they will eventually make up and be friends again. This was an argument. Arguments happen between good friends and siblings.

Johnny, on the other hand, had no relationship with the smaller boy, he just chose to dislike him and intimidate him. It was planned and he definitely felt good that the small boy was scared. The fact that the nasty behaviour was going to continue is a clear sign that Johnny is a Bully. Bullying happens between people who are not really friends and may not even really know one another.

The important thing to remember is that Bullies come in all shapes and sizes. There are NO stereotypes. You could have the prettiest girl be one of the most terrible Bullies. As well, you could have one of the poorest boys be one. A top A student could be a Bully and so could a student who struggles.

If you are a parent who has a child who is the victim of a bully, there are certain things you can and NEED to do to help your child through this.

As well, if you are a parent and have been notified that your child is bullying other children, there are certain things you can and NEED to do to help them. All kids bully for a reason.

Join me next week for Part 2 of this series where I will help you get to the nitty gritty of WHY kids bully. It&rsq uo;s with this understanding that you can go forth and know exactly how to help them or your child.

Ending bullying is a huge mission for me. Please help spread my mission and forward this article to any parent you know. Whatever you can do, please do it. Thank you.

What other easy ways have you found to say no to your kids?

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This week I spoke with Nancy, mother of an 8 month old and a 2.5 year old toddler. She wonders if her kids will miss out on becoming “socialized” if she decides to stay home rather than put them into a daycare or day home. “Don’t they need the company of other children their own age for socialization?”

I’ve heard this concern before. Some parents who expect to have a single child feel they, in particular, should maximize efforts to have their baby or toddler be in the company of other toddlers for reasons of “socialization.” In this context, what exactly do parents mean when using the word and what is it they expect to have their child learn during this “socialization” process – that wouldn’t be learned if their child was at home in the care of a warm, engaged parent, grandparent or nanny?

Research has never shown that toddlers require the company of other toddlers in order to become social beings. In fact, a casual observer can see for himself that when toddlers are together in a playroom it often doesn’t go well at all. Children this age do not really play together – they play parallel to each other. Most two-years olds are in the “me! and mine!” stage developmentally, and may actually feel threatened or become stressed in the presence of other toddlers. We often see aggressiveness (hitting, pushing and biting) emerge as kids eye the same toy. The TOY reigns supreme in a toddler’s mind and it’s not until after age three that a child’s attention shifts to caring more about the other child..than the toy.

In the meantime, babies are busy starting their own socialization process shortly after birth. A 4-month old who has learned to wake up more times in the night than when he was 2 months, is busy doing social learning: “Mom is available in the night and I can make her come more often! Hooray!” (Not quite the social learning mom was hoping for!)

A baby who is starting to talk is learning language as a result of having established a social relationship with an attachment figure.

A toddler who throws a temper tantrum because mom wouldn’t pick him up on demand is learning social lessons and experimenting with where his power lies. All these examples represent the age-appropriate socialization process necessary for children under age three to develop well. And all these social accomplishments are dependent upon an interested adult, not upon other toddlers.

After age three we see a new awareness emerge as a child stops and takes note of the presence of another preschooler. Does he see me? I see what he is playing with and I wonder if I can play too. Interest develops in whether we can play together…it looks like fun…I think I’ll approach… Now the company of other children a couple of times a week will further the socialization process begun at birth.

A young child under age three will cope with the presence of other young children when necessary but will always rely on the adult on the horizon for a relationship upon which to base their social impressions of the world. Nancy, upon hearing this, said she felt comfortable waiting a while and was relieved to hear she wasn’t guilty of depriving her child of daily contact with a group of other children.

But, not just ANY chocolate cake. It has to be my simple, loving, effective, stress-free and (mostly) guilt-free cake! Let’s break this down.

This cake is:

SIMPLE – because there are so few ingredients and very clear and concise instructions.

LOVING – because it is homemade by someone. The time and effort (which isn’t much) shows love by doing, not just saying.

EFFECTIVE – This recipe is fail-proof. It works everytime and can be used to make a variety of styles of cake.

STRESS-FREE – With only a few ingredients needed, one can whip this cake up in 10 minutes. All the while, smelling that gorgeous smell of chocolate!

GUILT-FREE – because no one really bakes a cake like this often, it is truly a good thing to eat and enjoy the happiness that it will bring. No, it’s not healthy, organic, or low-fat, but for a one off, does that really matter?

Ready to experience JOY?

RECIPE

Ingredients:
18 oz. Betty Crocker Devil’s Food Cake Mix
1 pkg. chocolate instant Jello Pudding
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup grapeseed oil
1/2 cup warm water
4 beaten eggs
1 1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

Optional: 1 can (450g) Betty Crocker Creamy Deluxe French Chocolate Frosting

Method:

Mix together (except chips).

Beat 4 minutes with hand mixer

Fold in chocolate chips

Bake in greased and floured bundt cake pan at 350 degrees F for 50-60 minutes.
OR 2 round 9″ cake pans at 350 degrees F for 35-40 minutes.

Cool 15 minutes.

Turn over onto a serving dish.

For Bundt Cake: dust the top with icing sugar and serve with raspberries or strawberries.

For Layer Cake: Spread a 1/4 inch layer frosting on one layer. Place second layer on top. Frost the outside edges first and the top last.

ENJOY!

If you want a discipline technique that is as simple, loving, effective, stress-free and guilt-free as this recipe, go HERE.

I know I was shocked at just how much laundry an extra little being could produce. Then I had my second child and couldn’t believe how the laundry quadrupled! As with everything I do, I took a look at the situation and found a better, more simple, (and of course, stress- free) way to take care of the mountain of laundry my family accumulates each week.

When thinking about how I could solve my problem my thoughts wandered back to the classroom when I was a teacher. I had systems and organizational routines put into place so that the classroom and our life inside it ran like a well-oiled machine.

One of the things I did was come up with cute names for certain days and attach a job or activity to it. For example, I loved humour and it really bonded us as a class (The kids loved it when I would laugh so hard I’d cry) so I created a day called, “Witty Wednesday”. Throughout the week the kids would bring in jokes they had either found or heard, wrote them down and placed the paper in our “Witty Wednesday” basket. On Wednesday, during the last 10 minutes of class we would sit on the carpet together and I would pull 5-7 jokes out of the basket. The child would read it and we’d either try to answer the joke or just listen to it. It was one thing the kids always said they loved best about our year together.

Now, how can you bring this into your home, not only to help with laundry, but with other tasks as well? Here are some suggestions. Feel free to make up your own and if you think they’re brilliant, please write me as I always LOVE to hear the ideas of others.

1) Washing Wednesday. After dinner, your hubby puts the kids to bed and does dishes while you get to work on the “washing” (aka laundry). With most machines, you should be able to get at least 3 loads washed, dried and folded by the end of the night. Make it fun for yourself. Put on some great music or your favourite TV show. You could even get out your novel and read between cycles! Be creative here so that you actually ENJOY when “Washing Wednesday” comes around!

2) Tub and Toilet Tuesdays. Why not make Tuesday one of your children’s bath days (No, you don’t have to bathe your children every night. Just wash their hands and face and save the big clean ups for a few days during the week) While your kiddies are enjoying their play time in the bath, you could clean the toilet (and sink if you like). Then, after you’ve scrubbed the kids, get your hubby to get their pyjamas on while you clean the bathtub. You can swap these roles so he cleans the tub and you dress the kids, whichever suits you.

3) Mail Monday. Make Monday your day to go through mail that has piled up (as it so easily does) then pay the bills immediately so they are out of your mind. If you need to book an appointment, book it right away or at least put the task to book the appointment on your “To Do List” for tomorrow (if you choose to do this in the evening). You could even take this further and make Mondays, “Mexican Mondays”. Because most Mexican dishes are quick to make, you could come home, deal with the mail, then know you have a simple Mexican meal to whip up in only 10-15 minutes. Think, quesadillas, tacos, burritos, quinoa salads with roasted vegetables and goat cheese, taco salads, rice and beans, stuffed peppers…the list is endless!

The point with all of this is that there is no way around doing laundry and other household tasks (unless you have a full time maid), so why resist? Do them in a fun way! Better yet, get the family in on the game! Just be sure to do these tasks in a fun and enjoyable way.

We all have 24 hours in a day. We can either race around resenting everything we have to do or choose to find better ways and just go with the flow. We have the ability to design our lives. Design yours with this fun technique and you’ll be sure to live life more like you want.

“It’s been getting worse over the last year or so since my daughter, Kayla, was born. I love both of my kids but the baby takes up so much of my time and I know that Cody needs me too. I don’t know what to do.”

It was Dr. Anthony P. Witham who once said “children spell love…T-I-M-E.” He was definitely onto something. Unfortunately, if you are like most parents, time is a precious commodity that often eludes us. Whether we have a new job, a new baby, or we just need to make the coffee or strip the beds, we always seem to be wishing for a little bobble from Father Time’s Treasure Chest. We need more. We want more. But we just don’t have it. Does that mean we don’t love them? Of course not.

Spending quality time with our children is extremely important for their development. Note that I said “quality” not quantity. We must find ways to slow down and slip in some memorable time that will let our children know that we love and care for them.

Many children will let you know in their own “subtle” ways if they feel that you are not giving them the attention that they need. Some will withdraw while others will “act out.” You might see it when a child gives “lip” to a teacher, fights with another classmate or resorts back to behaviors that once got your attention like increased crying, throwing tantrums or even bed-wetting. This is a way to capture your attention, albeit often negative, so that they can enjoy “focused” time with you. Essentially the thought process is, “if I can’t get her attention by doing something good, I’ll get her attention by doing something bad.” Nobody wants that!

So how can you find time when you don’t have any to spend? Here are some of the ideas that I am working on with Susan that you can implement too:

1. MAC time: In Susan’s case, this stands for “Mom and Cody time” but you get the drift. MAC time is special alone time with your child doing something you both enjoy. With Susan and her family, this is the time when Dad takes the baby (another benefit for the baby-quality time with Dad) and Mom spends time with Cody. This could mean going to a movie, going to the local theater to see Cinderella, or just sitting at the park on a bench and talking. The frequency of MAC time is up to you. With one of my clients, a single mother of three, we devised a plan so that each Saturday she spends quality time with one of her children and the last Saturday of the month they spent quality time as a family. Make it work for you.

2. Integrate Together Time into Your Daily Schedule: Children love to help. Do you have a mailing to do? Have them put the stamps on the envelopes. Need to go shopping? Make grocery shopping “fun time” with you. Need to make dinner? Let them help you by contributing to the preparation process. While it might be messier and it may time more time in the beginning, you will see that the children will become your greatest helpers and they will look back and remember that “before dinner” was always special time with you.

3. Phantom Time: Don’t have a moment to spare until about 3 a.m.? You can still let your children know that you care. Write notes and drop them into their lunch boxes. You can also make a recording that they can play in the morning if you can’t be there. Recording devices are inexpensive and easy to operate. While it isn’t ideal to rely solely on “phantom time,” it provides something so your children know you are thinking of them.

4. Break time: Everyone is busy. Some parents are busier than others. Slide in a “break time” so that you and your children can spend 15 minutes or a half hour together. Set a timer if you need to so that everyone knows when “break time” starts and finishes. Give warnings to your children when 2 minutes are left so that it doesn’t come as a surprise. Don’t even have break time available? Wake your child up 15 minutes early so that you can spend a little extra time doing something fun in the morning. You might not think that 15 minutes is any significant time at all, but to a child, it is 15 extra minutes with you.

Spending time with your children provides them with opportunities to learn and to be heard. Most of all, it provides you and your children with time to connect. It’s these connections that make time precious. So leave the beds unstripped for another few minutes and put the coffee on an automatic timer. Take those extra moments to spend with your children. When you look back, you will be thankful for the memories

My family has been on holidays for the past two weeks. Due to a variety of life circumstances, my hubby and I were in need of a huge break from regular life. So, the fact that we had grandparents around, ready and willing to look after our kids so that we could sleep in and generally do what we wanted without the kids, felt like a blessing. The problem? We forgot one of the most basic rules of good parenting.

Let me step back a bit before I go into that. You see, when I say that my hubby and I were sleeping in and doing what we wanted I also must add that personally, I just wanted to be by myself. This may sound harsh because anyone who knows me knows that I adore my kiddies and I love spending time with them. However, the freedom of reading what I wanted and relegating all responsibility to my parents was kind of a nice break for a few days. For example, while we were out for a family walk I was holding my son’s hand yet my back started hurting a bit because my son was walking slower than me which made my back twist every time I took a step. So, I let his hand go and said, “Go hold daddy’s hand, my back hurts.” After a day of me unconsciously pushing him away I began to see some undesirable results.

That night, everything my husband and I asked him to do he resisted. He even used a snarky tone and said, “No, I won’t do that!” which is COMPLETELY out of character for him. What usually worked with him was not working and the resistance grew more and more as the night progressed. In fact, the evening ended with me putting the story book down at night and saying, “No story tonight. You’ve really disappointed me” and him crying.

Although this is difficult to share, as it is so unlike me (and him) I felt it important to share because this sometimes happens with the parents I coach. Everything is going great and then BOOM! Negative behaviour or resistance appears and they think their luck has run out and now this stage or age is going to be the difficult one. Until… I coach them on this important point.

Children’s main desire is to feel loved, and there are four ways that they feel loved.

They are:

1) Focused attention
2) Physical Contact
3) Eye Contact
4) Discipline

During those couple of days, I had basically removed all focused attention, physically let go of his hand, and didn’t give much eye contact except to discipline him. Are you beginning to solve that problem I asked earlier? Wow! You must be a parenting coach! No, you see? Parenting isn’t rocket science. It’s just about knowing a few specific things, being reflective and then taking action.

After my husband and I reflected on my son’s behaviour, we realized that WE needed to step up and change a few things. So, the next morning my hubby got up when our son did and connected with him. Not in a major way, just asked him questions and showed interest in what he was talking about. Then I woke up, came over to him, looked him right in the eye to say, “Good Morning, Sweetie” while I rubbed his hair (there’s that physical contact!) and then proceeded to interact naturally with him and the rest of our family. Later that morning, we told him we were going to go to our friend’s house so we all had to get ready. The day before he would have refused, but today he was willing.

After we got dressed we walked to the car and I asked him, “Can I hold your hand?” His response? “Of course you can, Mommy!” While we walked in silence he then snuggled into me, kissed my hand, and said, “Mmm… cozy!”

Our son was amazing and polite the rest of the day and that evening I left his room the way we usually do. Then, the child who is usually too shy/reserved to go up and kiss people came out of his room and to each of us (grandma and grandpa included) asked if we would like a kiss! For him to do this on his own was shocking as it’s out of his comfort zone for sure.

Some parents might say, that’s it? That’s really ALL you did and his behaviour turned around? Yes. It really doesn’t take that much for kids to feel loved and WANT to intrinsically behave, be polite and be happy. They will show you they aren’t getting what they need from you by acting out. There is ALWAYS a reason.

So, the next time you notice your kids acting abnormally different or worse, take some time to reflect and see if your children are truly feeling loved using the 4 criteria above then watch the way things can just “magically” change.

If this is the situation at your house, you may be interested in learning how to set up an Independent Playtime as part of your child’s regular, daily routine.

Much of the prep work for independent playtime happens before you even begin the routine. Listed below are guidelines for you to follow, but feel free to put your own touches here and there so the experience is tailored to your child’s age and interests.

Choose where your child’s independent playtimes will take place. It should be a baby-proofed room with either a door or a gate. Their bedroom works very well, whereas basement playrooms are better saved for more general play.

Gather several baskets or interesting containers and purchase or collect the following types of play props: farm animals, zoo animals, families of people, a few stuffed animals (not 100), dress-up items like hats and scarves, musical instruments, dolls, cars, etc. Use your imagination! Each set of items needs its own basket. It’s ideal if there is a high shelf to put some of these containers when they aren’t being played with so that they’ll stay exciting for the Special Playtimes.

(say to child) “Guess what. You get to have a Special Playtime in your room today with a very exciting snack. Let’s go get the snack ready right now. (could be a combo of fish crackers, 2 mini-marshmallows, handful of Cheerios with a few raisins added in…make it a very tasty, tempting snack of something they do not otherwise have often). I’m going to get down all your Special Baskets for you to play with, and you can be busy until the kitchen timer rings (30-45 minutes). I will open the door/gate when the bell rings. Do you want some music on?”

Now comes the hard part, initially: you must leave your child alone with this lovely set-up whether he/she is happy about it or not. Be sure the gate or door is secured to give them privacy and prevent them from being in charge of when this playtime is over. For your child to accept this new routine, I suggest Special Playtimes happen twice a day when you are home. Avoid calling or talking back and forth the whole time except for once or twice to say “I’m busy and you are busy.” Be very boring during these times and soon your child will resort to exploring the baskets.

At the end of the playtime, you both play together at sorting each item into its proper basket. (There is learning going on here, with sorting, counting, colors, clean-up – don’t call it clean-up, just call it putting things in their baskets.)

You can rotate little additions in and out such as a Dr. Kit, a sheet over a table to make a tent, a coloring table for an older child, a new CD, etc.(If your child is toilet trained, put a potty into the room.) This way you can allow your child small chances to add their own requests to the Special Playtime set up, but the unconditional variables include there being no choice about going in or when to come out. If your child protests this for a few days it’s perfectly normal. Through many repetitions of this routine, he/she’ll begin to see it as an opportunity for private play, which is where imagination really blooms.

And you? Since the above two Special Playtimes are in addition to naps, you may start planning how to spend your new-found time! I suggest you read your novel.

You see, when we live life like this everything seems complicated and becomes difficult. When we’re frazzled, our children seem to act up. Coincidence? Not really. When our house is cluttered and untidy, do our kids whine that they’re bored or are they hyperactive? Most often, yes. If we are always rushing from one lesson to the next, do we have a lot of extra patience for our kids? Nope. In the modern world we live in, it is very easy to let life lead us leading IT. However, imagine if you were able to actually CHOOSE how your daily life played out?

Imagine waking up before the kids and drinking a cup of warm water with lemon while you set an intention for your day.

Imagine having your kids wake up happy and get dressed quickly and easily.

Imagine having a place to put your things and your kid’s things so that you never had to be stressed and wonder where something is.

Imagine having regular routines or rituals that your family participated in each and every day or week that made you bond closely?

Life can be designed, but it takes spending some time and thought, and sometimes getting support, to make it how you would like. I encourage you to spend some time on New Year’s Day or the day after and write down three things you would like to have more of in your life this year. I’d also suggest you come up with two or three things that are not serving you and let them go - whether they be something in your schedule, your home, or your personal life such as a “friend” or an emotion.

The last part of this exercise would be to write out how you can acquire the things you want in your life. Do you need support, to hire someone, to schedule in something, to ask for help, or create a routine?

If you need a place to start with this whole exercise, here is a quick and easy activity for you. Doing this will help you see where you need to focus and then you can narrow it down even further if need be.

Read these statements and answer “yes”, “no” or “sometimes”.

1. My home feels like a cozy, calm space for me and my family, free of excess.
2. My schedule allows me to accomplish what I want.
3. I have all the time I need to replenish my energy.
4. My kids have routines that allow them to accomplish what they need to everyday.
5. I feel balanced and fulfilled, most of the time.
6. I feel like I easily provide nutritious meals for my family on a regular basis.
7. I have organizing systems in place that fully support my day-to-day life.
8. I set a good example for my children when it comes to how to live a balanced and healthy life.
9. My kids listen to me when I ask them to do something or stop doing something.

If you have much bigger dreams for your home, family, schedule, and life than where you’re at today and you finally want to be able to describe yourself as a stress-free parent, then do the exercise described above, and if need be, seek out the support you need to make your dreams a reality! Here’s to a fulfilling, meaningful and “in the driver’s seat” kind of year!